The Essence of Felicity
by MadDelight
Summary: THIS STORY NOW HAS A NEW AND FINAL CHAPTER! ENJOY! I really think it sums it up nicely for Fee.
1. Grace, Charm, and Beauty

**This'll be a series of one shots, obviously about Felicity; basically they will be about moments when she lets her guard down. I hope you enjoy! **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the 'Gemma Doyle Trilogy' characters, they belong to Libba Bray, the wonderful writer et artiste. **

_Grace_

I look into the mirror on my dressing table. My grey eyes stare back at me fiercely; my blonde hair is unruly and wild, and my cheeks are flushed from the struggle. But I don't see any beauty reflected there, none of the loveliness that causes him to do these things. I only see an empty girl, the shell of a girl, whose eyes reflect a haunted soul. There is no grace reflected in the pale gray glass; there's just a shadow of a girl waiting for her chance to bloom, her chance to shine.

_Charm_

The cold winter wind dishevels my hair and stings my cheeks. I hurry towards the door and knock harshly. He ushers me in grandly, wearing a charming smile that I know is just for me. That's all he is- Charm. He's part of the charmed life that I should fit into, but somehow I don't deserve it. He smiles at me, and there's something in his perfect blue eyes that makes me wonder… But then it's gone and he smiles at me once more, whispering my name and kissing my hair. For a moment this is all I need, to be lost in his charm.

_Beauty_

The light catches her eyes, making them sparkle like brilliant amethyst crystals. Her eyes always seem brighter when compared to her porcelain skin and dark curls. Her voice drifts across the lawn, "Fee!" She runs towards me, smiling radiantly, and I can't imagine seeing anything more beautiful.

**That's it for now. Oh and just so there's no confusion the second section was about Simon, just so you know. The next one will be more like a story, it will have some dialogue, I promise. Thank for reading, please tell me how I did. Thank-yew. Ciao. **


	2. Declarations of Strength

**Disclaimer: Felicity isn't mine; she belongs to Libba Bray. Good thing too, cuz she's a handful. **

**(Sorry I lied, this one won't have dialogue, maybe next time if you're lucky. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been freakishly busy. But I hope you'll still read and enjoy this. Thanks to one and all!)**

**Victimized **

No matter what I think, or what my mother says, I was his victim. It wasn't my fault; it was his, and I realize that now. I might be scarred for good; the only hope in all of this is that I may be able to forget. No, that's not good enough. Eventually I will forget. I will heal. There is enough time to regain my strength; I will never allow myself to show such weakness again. From this day forward I vow that I will never be a victim again.

**Lady Strength**

It's a mask that I put on over my innocent countenance. It covers my heart and shields my eyes against their penetrating gazes. It will never fall, my mask cannot falter, and soon I will start to believe it too. It will become a part of me. This is what strength has to feel like, control. The others will follow, and if they don't I wont let it bother me. Nothing will touch me, not even those violet eyes that I have come to know so well. Nothing will free me from my tower. My inner fortress is unbreakable. It is a wall that will never crumble, and an inner power that will never leave me. I will always have my strength.

**Power**

She holds all of the power. It flows through her veins. All bottled up inside that red hair, and those mysterious green eyes. Why should it all belong to her? Though I have come to accept it. This power simply cannot be mine. But I will have power. I will just have to find some other way to get it, determine some other way to make myself too powerful to ignore. 

**Lost**

I've lost my composure without realizing it. It all happened so fast. She's seen me with my guard down, and now, I have to befriend her, or I will be shattered. 

I dream of beauty, there is a beauty that she keeps from me. One that I cannot have because it isn't real, but there is another beauty. This one I cannot have, because it isn't right, because it could change everything about myself. 

I've lost him. He was the best opportunity to come my way. He is handsome and kind, and makes me feel…. needed. But that's not me; I cannot have that life. I cannot be caught off guard by proposals. Proposals that may not even be meant for me…

She's gone and somehow I wish it were my fault, because then it would be easier for me to endure. I've lost the one beautiful thing in my life, and now that she's gone I don't know if I will ever love again. All I can see are her violet eyes, staring back at me. I feel empty and I'm not sure if I will ever feel whole again…

**Sunshine**

Somewhere the sun must shine, but here it rains, day and night. The fog creeps up and gives me a chill. I don't want to be here, alone. It's the one thing that I love and I fear, this solitary existence. But then I hear someone call my name; the sun comes out from its retreat behind the clouds. Somehow she calls out the sun, and now, I'm not alone anymore. 

**(Well that's it for now. I kind of just came up with these off of the top of my head a few days ago. They're all kind of off the cuff, so tell me what you think. I don't really know how true they are to Fee's character, but hey, you can't blame me for trying. I tried to end on an upper. Please review and criticize mercilessly. Ciao.)**

**Mazin'EngGrl **


	3. Nighttime Thorns

**Disclaimer: not mine. all libba brays. this story idea came to me in a dream actually. it's the final chapter. finally. lol**

_"Some things can't be changed about us, then, no matter how much we wish it." She pulls the last petal from the daisy with a cryptic smile. "He loves me." - Felicity TSFT_

The room is overly warm. Snow is falling outside of her darkened windows, lighting up the night with a simplistic beauty that only a nighttime snowfall can achieve. The room is dark, except for the moonbeams reflecting off the snow, filtering through the windows. Her usual seat at her vanity is empty; the mirror reflects nothing except for shadows. The shadows are haunting her even in her sleep. She lies sleeping in her bed. She would seem an angel, if her features weren't so tortured. She was having a nightmare, a reoccurring one of the worst kind.

"No.... please, stop." she mumbled in her sleep, her tossing and turning becoming more frantic. ".... it's not my fault..." tears trickled down her cheeks, sticking her blonde hair to her cheeks, leaving a salty streak across her beautiful face. If only she could find peace... but even in sleep she was haunted.

But the dream changed.... and instead of seeing herself as a child, broken, with the looming shadow of the admiral tormenting her.... instead she saw a girl, with radiant violet eyes, and raven hair.

"Pippa?" she followed the smiling vision across the grounds of Spence.

She followed her friend that she knew so well, until she could no longer see her....

Fog crept across the grounds... She was on a cobbled street now.... with only one dim light to illuminate the road.... she heard a distant carriage far off.... and then a familiar giggle. "Pippa?" she called out again. The fog was so thick she could barely see a foot in front of her. She wanted to run, to go searching for Pippa; she could be lost, or harmed... but there was so much darkness, so many shadows.... she couldn't move.

And then the scene changed violently; She became dizzy, grand ballrooms spinning past her. Until she found herself back a few years ago, with Simon, kissing him feverishly, his hands exploring her body, his tongue exploring her mouth. She didn't want to be here, she wanted to cry out. This didn't seem real, but felt too real. Though it didn't feed her desire, didn't fill her hole. All she wanted was to forget, to feel needed, to be loved in a way that didn't hurt, that didn't haunt or scar....

But the lips on hers changed, they were softer, sweeter.... the familiar giggle filled her ears again. She noticed her surroundings, ignoring the needy lips for a moment. She was back in her room at Spence. Pleading violet eyes stared back at her.

"You won't tell, will you?"

"Pip?"

"Shh." those violet eyes entreated.

Soft lips silenced hers and she wasn't about to object. Her hands rested on her friend's waist as they tested each other's boundaries. She felt gentle hands playing with her hair; her head was spinning, whether from lack of oxygen or the fact that she was intoxicated by her friend's very presence, she wasn't yet sure... she was nearly startled as she felt Pippa's tongue slowly exploring her mouth. She leaned in farther, not that the space between them could be anymore non-existent; she held back a small tremble, a tremble from need, a need that scared her because it was being filled as they didn't speak, as they simply let themselves feel and not worry about what society would think.

Suddenly, the fever left her blood stream, her fire completely extinguished as the room faded, and those soft lips were taken from hers in a whirl of fog and darkness, an icy rush of water, and an unanswered cry for help. A high-pitched scream echoed through the darkness. She felt like calling out, but no words would escape her lips.

And then, she was back in her room, clutching her stomach and feeling empty, yet feeling like vomiting at the same time. Felicity awoke in a start, the last few tears falling from her eyes. Even in sleep, she could not escape her waking nightmares. She may have been awake, but she was still alone, still too vulnerable to feel like herself. She had been broken down to her very essence, and even now that she was awake; his shadow loomed over her.


End file.
